As a therapist I put my own stuff aside to be present for my clients, but I have come to learn that my own experience gives me an understanding what its like to feel a sense of complete loss and devastation at things that others take for granted. When friends have children it’s a reminder that my Dad never met his grandchildren and they only know him by name and the stories that occasionally get talked about.
When I see people sharing milestones with their family it reminds me that I only remember feeling safe in his presence and only have blurred moments that I can recall of him being well. I am sad that my mum is retirement age and he is not here to share the time with her where they can take it easy and live moment to moment. When I turn 40 next month its tinged with sadness that I only got 12 years with him physically with me. When I hear people winge and complain of their parents not doing enough for them, I can have I want to poke you in the eye moments. When I have achieved something in life or take a step into something new I wonder what he would have thought about that.
I wonder what life would have been like if Cancer hadn’t got in the way of us being a normal family instead of living a life that has a big choking cloud that drifts in and out. I wonder lots of things and know that life sucks sometimes and that it just is what it is.
Dads death has certainly had a huge impact on my life and those people that say it gets easier have obviously never experienced such loss. Yes most of the time it feels lighter and isn’t the focus of everyday, yes you learn to integrate it in life but things like birthdays, Christmas, holidays, special occasions and certain dates or moments have a huge missing piece of life. Today is one of those days.